What is Romantic Prejudice & Why Should We Care

Everyone brings romantic prejudices into a new relationship. Whether someone is just getting over a bad breakup, bouncing from one partner to the next, or even if this is their first serious commitment, there is always a set of preconceptions at work behind the scenes. These preconceptions can be the product of our upbringing, our cultural milieu, our past relationships — even our perceptions of our parents’ relationship(s). Whatever the case, people are rarely aware of their own romantic prejudices, despite the major role they play.

Take the classic example of “the One”: the idealized other that Hollywood has been using as the stock piece in romcoms since the early days of cinema. The figure of “the One” plays off several things: the structure of nuclear families, heteronormative ideas surrounding monogamy, but also this basic childhood experience of having a “best friend”. This particular childhood fantasy was a formative part of my own romantic prejudice. I spent most of my younger years constantly moving, from city to city, and having a “best friend” was something very important to me when I was younger. I think that when you’re already looking for some romanticized friendship (as a child), it’s easy to buy into popular representations of romance (as an adult): the One, the person who will complete you, etc. It’s only a small step from perfect friend to perfect romantic partner.

The problem with deep-seated emotional expectations — like romantic prejudices — is that they’re rarely communicated to the other party. There are a number of reasons for this. Sometimes we simply don’t have enough self-awareness. We don’t know what we want and we’re blind to our desires. Sometimes we’re too afraid to say what we want. We’re scared the other person won’t want the same thing. This kind of vulnerability comes hand-in-hand with expectation, especially when we’re inexperienced or have strong tastes. Sometimes we don’t communicate because we just don’t want to talk about these things. There’s an assumption that talk somehow “kills the magic”. Although I don’t think we should use this an excuse, there is something incredibly intimate about silent agreement, especially in the bedroom.

Most people recognize the magic of this silent accord. As a result, romantic prejudice tends to get conveyed in a number of circuitous ways: body language, intonation, hints, word games, even outright manipulation — instead of being spoken directly. These indirect expressions of romantic prejudice are a spectrum, ranging from the normal to the unhealthy. For example, mirrored body language is generally understood as a healthy indication of mutual interest. It’s nature’s way of finding someone who thinks and acts similarly. On the other hand, playing games and manipulating situations often tricks a partner into acting unnaturally. Starting a relationship like this rarely plays out well in the long run.

We can visualize our romantic prejudices as a bunch of voices clamouring for attention in the back of our minds: someone who likes the proverbial “walks in the rain”, someone who likes to feel unique, someone who likes to be challenged, someone who likes to be teased — whatever. These unspoken, subconscious expectations can produce a sense of lack when our partner’s romantic capacities and our prejudices don’t match up, leading to unsatisfying relationships. Sometimes we have to recognize that these expectations are to blame for a faulty relationship, not the other person. We may think we’re not getting the relationship we deserve — when really we’re just not getting the relationship we want.

That’s why it’s important to distinguish between expectations and needs. There is a huge difference between the two. Emotional needs are acquired over time; interactions we come to expect from people who are committed to us: friends, family members, or longterm partners. On the other hand, expectations are conditions we project onto potential partners, without their consent or even their input. Prejudices affect our ability to engage in relationships. Needs affect our ability to sustain them. In this way, romantic prejudices condition our ability to perceive others as potential partners, on a subconscious level.

Flickr: Kamal Zharif Kamaludin – We will stay forever

But should we try to discard romantic prejudices? Although I’ve been pretty critical, I don’t think this is the solution. Our expectations are the product of narratives, often stemming from early childhood. These narratives allow us to attach value to certain interactions, to meaningfully assess prospective relationships on an intuitive level. Without them, it would be impossible to evaluate people and we need to be able to do this. Choice is an essential part of the romantic process and prejudices underlie our decision-making ability. Should we try to communicate romantic prejudices more effectively then? Only in a non-verbal way, I think. As I mentioned earlier, silence plays a crucial role in the screening process and it also helps to protect us. It’s an under-appreciated phenomenon.

We should be aware of our romantic prejudices and the way we express them, especially if we’re being excessively manipulative. It is our ethical prerogative to be conscious of actions and their effects on others, to avoid causing unwarranted emotional harm by leading others on, by wanting too much from them, or potentially by harassing them. But beyond these altruistic reasons, awareness of romantic prejudices — not just in ourselves, but in others as well — is a good idea because it can help us navigate potential relationships and find partners with whom we’re compatible. Paying attention to our expectations is a win-win situation. Everyone should care about romantic prejudice.